This pisses me off

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Parents plead guilty in son’s cancer death.

It’s an eye-catching headline. There are a lot of easier way to murder someone than giving them cancer.

But if you click the link, you’ll see that it’s actually manslaughter because they didn’t get his cancer treated. They’d find what felt like swollen lymph nodes, but then it would go away. Then it would come back. Then he was dead. Oops!

I’m no doctor, but I strongly believe lumps are bad, even if they come and go. If you walk into the doctor’s office and say “my son had a lump on his neck, but it’s gone now” the doctor will not say “great — thanks for coming by!” Lots of things can cause swollen lymph nodes. Including Hodgkin’s lymphoma.

Grrrr.

It’s possible I’m projecting here. A few months ago I had swollen lymph nodes too and got put through a battery of tests that ranged from irritating to painful. I think the needles they use in needle biopsies are barbed. In my case it was nothing — I had a bad cold a week before a routine checkup and my nodes were still puffy.

I’m definitely venting though. Hodgkin’s lymphoma has an 80% recovery rate if treated. The rate is somewhat lower if ignored. Now those ex-parents are probably going to prison, where they’ll get proper medical treatment if they need it.

Check those lumps, people. Don’t worry about the cost, worry about the cancer.

Out ragey

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Those of you who are my friends on Facebook — it’s really the only way to get classic hilarious observations like “Jesus Christ it was cold when I was walking my dogs!” — you saw me bring in the new year with the following important question:

Who would win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine?

The results are in and I can confidently announce that my Facebook friends are smartasses. Stop the presses.

I also got some votes. In those votes, Wolverine won almost 2 to 1. Interesting.

My Facebook friends on Team Wolverine are forgetting one small detail…

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In Holmes We Anti-Trust

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I need to get this out before we’re swamped with people telling us Lisbeth Salander is some sort of positive role model for young women, causing my head to explode.

Note: The following contains spoilers for the plot of Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows. But really, you aren’t going to a Guy Ritchie movie for the plot. Rest comfortably in the knowledge that there are plenty of slow-motion punches and high-speed homoeroticism. If you’re concerned with a coherent story and understandable character motivations, get to an art house cinema. Hippy.

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This means something

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Gonzo’s chicken must be very disappointed.

Unrelated Star Wars Questions: During Luke’s first long conversation with Obi-Wan in A New Hope, he (Luke) learns about the Jedi Knights. But in later movies, including the prequels, they are almost always referred to as simply Jedi. Is there a difference between a Jedi and a Jedi Knight? Or was the “knight” quietly dropped to avoid confusion with Baywatch Nights or Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights? Would the prequels have been improved with some dirty dancing? (“In a corner, no one puts Yoda!”) Or maybe Darth Hasselhoff?

Mythbusters declare war on Dublin

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Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman have taken enough shit from the people in Dublin.

I don’t know what the Dubliners have done to anger the Mythbusters. Maybe they all think the moon landing was a hoax? Maybe one of them forwarded an email about a can of biscuits exploding in a hot car? Or told the story about getting electrocuted by peeing on an electrified train track? Perhaps Adam and Jamie have laid siege to the town until they surrender the guilty. It’s difficult to tell.

I’m sure everyone in Dublin is googling “boiling pitch” right now and figuring out what sort of permits they need for a moat. They need not bother, because when the Mythbusters have decided you need to explode, you are fucked. Basically.

This could get ugly, quickly. To paraphrase FDR, “the only thing we have to fear is Dublin mayor Tim Sbranti having one-on-one combat with Adam Savage, just like that scene with Hector and Achilles in Troy, though less homoerotic, we hope.”

Tim looks like a man with some substance. Adam looks like a man with some explosives.

I’ve written to Mayor Sbranti to get his opinion on what happens next. How does Dublin respond? Will he retaliate with all the might of the Dublin PD? Will he conditionally give in to their demands, provided he gets a weekly massage from Kari Byron?

Can every week be shark week?

We’ll see if Mayor Sbranti is at liberty to respond. I’m sure the Mythbusters are monitoring his communications. I heard you can do that by just wrapping old mattress coils around telephone wires. I wonder if that’s true?

Nice ride, Jesus

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The road to Heaven may be paved with good intentions, but those intentions are delivered by a piece of shit Ford van. This is the philosophy with which I was raised, and I had it confirmed on my way to work this morning.

You'd think there would be windows

Complete with Baptismal Ladder

I think my favorite is “Bought by Jesus” near the door hinge. That’s one way to stick it to Bank of America. I couldn’t get a pic of the other side, but it says “rust spots by Satan” and “hubcaps swiped by homosexuals.”

I wish I knew what was inside. I hope it’s a lot of deep pile shag carpeting and a couple of forlorn hookers.